Well, at least it hasn't been a year this time!
I started writing a post on Facebook last night, and it turned quite long. I decided this was a good place for it, and that it was a good way to re-start here. I am going to try to commit to writing at least once a week, and I have friends who have told me that they will help keep me on track with that! yay!
Here it goes:
"Let's make more of ourselves, not less"
As I know many of my friends know, I struggle significantly with my view on "Health at Any Size" and weight. I often find it hard to look past the messages I am bombarded with on a regular basis from the media, from friends and family, and from the medical community, and to connect things I agree with in theory to my own life.
This was made EXTREMELY CLEAR to me over the last few days when I had a terrible awful terrifying episode of reflux that left me crying, vomiting, and fighting to breathe. As I am concerned about this, and rightfully so, most things I can find about reflux state that weight can play a significant role in the severity of reflux.
Part of me wants to say "fuck you!" To this, both because I DO believe that most people can be healthy at most sizes and because, while this is definitely the worst it's ever been, I have had difficult with reflux at many sizes. Part of me wants to say "see Chrys: you really DO need to be losing weight."
I would be lying if I said I didn't want to lose weight. I would be lying if I said that part of this is due to internalized messages of thin = good. I also know that I have found myself to feel better physically when I am doing the things that I often associate with losing weight. Exercising more. Eating out less. Eating more whole grains and vegetables. Eating more whole foods in general.
My wise mind tells me that, in all reality, it's these behaviors and not the weight itself that cause me to feel better. But right now I am having trouble de-linking those in my mind.
I joined weight watchers a while back, and I have mixed emotions about that too. I really liked the program because it encouraged movement and eating fruits and veggies. I really liked it because it had a "there are no bad foods" mentality. I left it for a while because I felt that it was not meeting my needs while dealing with some medical difficulties, and Recently re-joined. I do not plan on re-upping when this current period is up though.
I am not terribly happy with recent changes that they have made, and I think that the changes are likely to lead people to rely more on artificial sweeteners, as sugars are "more heavily weighted" in their points system then they used to be. (Pun 100% intended.).
I am thinking about trying to re-join the mental health world and specifically the eating disorder world, and in this process am taking a deep look at how some of my actions do not necessarily agree with my beliefs. I think it is always a good thing to try to live a life in which your actions speak to your ideals. I think this is doubly, triply, way more important when you are working in the eating disorder field and talking about your behaviors around food.
This is all a super long winded way of me saying "I am not perfect and that's ok. I can continue to work towards my ideal self, and I can accept that that ideal self and my conception of it will continue to change throughout time" and to say that "I have many friends who currently do weight watchers and are very happy with it. I am not judging you, and if it's helping your lifestyle, good for you! But I hope it's helping you make healthy choices and not helping you hate your body even more if you aren't losing weight. You are so much more than a number on a scale."
Here I will leave you with the quote that made me decide to put to words these thoughts that I have been having:
“Lose weight and gain so much more,” invites Weight Watchers’ website. If you’re looking for a New Year’s slogan, here’s another one to try — in 2016, let’s look beyond the superficial and all resolve to make more of ourselves, not less.
