My Ego vs. My Self

Hello neglected blog & audience! Sorry about the neglect- life has been a bit crazed lately. I've had a post in my head for ages, and am finally taking the time to put it here, in actual words and with development and everything.

Some time ago, my good friend Jim (one of our two "members"- Hi Jim!!) linked me to some blogs about the Ego as it relates to a form of martial arts he practices. Knowing that I'm both a psychologist and a legit psychology nerd, he figured that I'd be into it. Unsurprisingly, he was correct.

Let me take a psychobabble second to explain what I mean by "Ego"- for me & in terms of this blog entry, I mean those beliefs and thoughts and values that make up what a person considers their identity. The Self, however, is that and more- it's what you feel moment to moment, it's your body, it's who you are when all the trimmings are stripped away. These words mean different things to different people, but that's what they mean for me.

Ideally, these two entities would be in line with each other. I don't know about you all, but I never can quite seem to live in my ideal world. And my Ego and my Self are REALLY fighting each other right now.

My Ego wants me to run. My Ego is pointing out how much I love running in this weather, how beautiful it is outside, and (frequently) how I was doing "so good" last year/earlier this year. My Ego also likes to, on occasion, take extra judgmental notice of my midsection. My Ego is just absolutely ripe with "shoulds" and "oughts" and thus, my Ego is shoulding all over my Self.

My Self hurts. My Self knows that my body is giving me a GREAT BIG MESSAGE of importance. My Self repeatedly remembers my doctrine of living a life by the Health at Every Size principles and knows that, when possible, I like to practice what I spend my life preaching. My Self also holds it pretty well when my inability to be perfect at anything (because I am, after all, quite human) spins up. My Self knows that it's time to take a break from running, but that this doesn't remove any kind of "fitness" identity from my Ego- it just augments it. And my Self knows that who I am is in no way defined by how I look. My Self also knows that the joys and benefits I get from physical fitness have <5% to do with what my body looks like.

But the battle going on in my head is tough right now. My Ego and my Self agree on one thing- I wish I could be running. But I've got to honor my Self and allow some flexibility in my Ego. Each time I've tried to start running over the past month and a half, something has gone quite awry in my body. It's time to change up what I do, and re-adjust my Ego once more. Particularly as my Ego's judgments of my current lack of running ability are prohibiting me, in many ways, from doing other things that WILL help my body and that I DO enjoy.

My Self has not given up on running- not by a long shot. But my Self does recognize that if I keep giving into my Ego's demands, I may not be able to happily do much of any physical activity, much less continue running. So it's time for a break and yet... I am STILL a runner. At least until absolutely proven otherwise!

The Impetus

This blog has been a long time coming.


First, I guess you could call me an exhibitionist of sorts. I have the strong feeling (despite any real cause to believe so) that I have things to share with the world. Growing up in the age of the internet, the blog is the obvious answer to the conondrum of how to get my voice heard by the masses.


Second, I enjoy being a rabble rouser. While this tendancy has calmed significantly with age, I still think back fondly on protesting the wrongs of the government, pissing off teachers by making sure that "the other side of the story" was given time in class, and generally exposing media BS for what it is - propaganda designed to make us feel bad about ourselves so we think we need to buy more crap.


Third, body image has been a hot button topic for me since I was a youngster. I have struggled with body image throughout most of my life, and working in the mental health field has made my passion for rousing the rabble in this domain even stronger.


Fourth (and lastly for now), Running. Oh, Running. Running and I have a rather sordid history. Running is my frienemy, who I have loved and loathed and wanted in my life and wanted to never see again. My identity as "a runner" has taken me a long time to really feel like I can embrace it. Its an identity I have coveted and eschewed at various points in my life, and one which I know can say "Yeah. Thats part of who I am. Even if I am not so fast or strong or cant run very long. I run enough and think about running enough that I am a runner."


So... Here it is. The beginning of my blog. I have talked with a co-worker of mine about co-blogging with me, so hopefully we will shortly have two contributors!